All I Want For Christmas

Disclaimer: Paramount owns everthing Star Trek - all I own is the storyline below and I will not make a single dollar. No infringement intended.

Summary: Christmas is coming and Janeway hates the whole idea. Chakotay is taking her to the Christmas party and will he find her when she decides to disappear?

J/C romance, angst, comfort
PG

Thank you to my beta reader, Roses! You are encouraging and very good at making blunt, but nice, points.
Also thank you to KJ or I wouldn't have knows there was a contest in the first place.

All I Want For Christmas

© GB

Captain Janeway’s personal log, supplemental:

Neelix requested a moment of my time today and I had a feeling I knew what he wanted. I was not too thrilled to find out I was right. He wants to arrange a Christmas party the old traditional Terran way. A tree, presents, eggnog, mistletoe - the works.

He positively beamed at me, so sure I would find his idea appealing and approve it on the spot. He wasn’t beaming quite so brightly when I told him I had to think about it.

I blamed my apprehension on the strain it would put on our replicators, on Voyager’s energy reserve. He knew as well as I do that we are travelling through a very quiet part of the Delta quadrant and have come across three major dilithium sources during the last month as well as other sources of energy.

I hated myself for being so hard on him, seeing his shoulders slump on his way out. But how could I tell him the truth, that just the thought of celebrating Christmas turns my stomach over? That I feel nauseous just thinking of dressing up and thinking of the perfect gifts for the right people?

And still – I know I will have to approve the whole idea, for the good of crew morale. I just couldn’t do it today. I will get myself together tomorrow.

How will I make it through this without giving myself away?

**********

Tom Paris, the Federation Starship Voyager’s boyish helmsman, was busy tapping in new commands, setting the ultimate course for the sleek, beautiful ship that glided through deep space surrounded by stars.

He glanced at the big view screen ahead of him. Stars struck by at warp speed, turning into white and silver lines; a site he never got tired of.

“You know,” he said to nobody particular on the bridge, “just being surrounded by black space and bright stars is like a Christmas feeling in itself.”

There was a stunned silence. None of the senior staff had ever heard such a philosophical statement from him before.

“You know, you are right. The stars, they look almost like snowflakes,” Harry Kim agreed from his ops station.

Tom turned around to face the command team. Chakotay was smiling at him, a mocking, but nice smile. The captain however was pale and meeting his eyes, she rose from her chair.

“I’ll be in my ready room,” she said in a throaty, almost choked voice.

She strode off the bridge and if the doors to her ready room could have been slammed shut, they would have resonated through the entire ship.

“Oh boy, I’ve done it again. “ Tom sighed. ”Can somebody tell me what exactly I did this time?”

Chakotay shook his head.

“I don’t think it was you, Tom. This time. Just fly the ship, I’ll go and talk to her.”

He got up and seemed to brace himself before crossing the bridge.

He rang the chime once. Twice. Three times.

Glancing back he noticed everyone looking. Even Tuvok reacted, quirking his right eyebrow in concern.

Inhaling deeply, Chakotay overrode the lock and entered the ready room. The door hissed closed behind him.

She was sitting slumped back on her couch, her face still as pale, her hands clenched, her arms folded neatly.

“Kathryn?” he asked quietly. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.”

A standard reply to a standard question.

“You don’t look fine. You look like you’re hurting.” He walked up the stairs to the sitting area. “May I sit down?”

She nodded.

“What is it, Kathryn?”

She blinked several times trying to contain the tears filling her stormy grey eyes. He had not seen her this distressed in a long time, perhaps never. She had cried over dead crewmembers, over the senseless actions of violence in this quadrant, but there was no obvious reason now. What was the matter with her?

She looked so desolate, so abandoned, where she sat on the couch. Her petite form, although harbouring a feisty, fiery and stubborn mind as well as a loving and compassionate soul, seemed fragile and lost.

He suddenly recalled the topic on the bridge.

“Does this have anything to do with the upcoming Christmas party?”

Surely she flinched. He could have sworn he saw her flinch.

“I am sure the party will be a success.” Her voice, flat and even, gave nothing away.

“I think Neelix has everything covered.”

She nodded, refused to look at him.

Throwing every caution to the wind, he moved over to the couch, not sitting close enough to touch her, but enough to make her look at him. Her eyes were wide open, her eyelashes fluttering.

“Chakotay, I …” Her voice cracked and she swallowed hard.

“Don’t talk. You don’t owe me any explanations. I hate to see you in pain, that is all.”

Her gaze softened and she leaned against him, let herself fall to her right, her head ending up on his lap.”

Surprised, but pleasantly so, he put one hand on her shoulder and stroked her hair with the other. She didn’t cry but silent tears fell from her eyes, forming little wet spots on his uniform trousers.

The minutes passed. He kept stroking her hair and softly caressing her shoulder, down her arm and up again. Then she spoke.

“I do hate the whole idea about Christmas. It is nothing I can explain, really. I just hate it.”

“I would have thought you had wonderful Christmases in Indiana when you were growing up?”

“Oh, we had. We had the traditional Christmas with all it entails. I loved it back then. But being out here, not having celebrated Christmas for years … You know, being a Starfleet captain, even before the Delta quadrant, made it hard to make it home for Christmas. So I went from loving it, to missing it – to really hating the whole idea.”

“I think Neelix way of celebrating Christmas will be all new for us all. You know how he interprets Terran things his own special way. You might find it worth attending, anyway?”

His tender voice and his obvious desire for her to relax and be happy made her grudgingly agree.

“I might, Commander, I just might.”

Chakotay pulled her up and hugged her. He had hugged her before, of course, but this was not like those other times. They were both on duty, they were in her ready room and she was shivering in his arms.

Janeway didn’t know if her reaction was because of the topic of their talk or his presence. She closed her eyes and burrowed her face against his chest for a few, precious seconds.

“Thank you, my friend,” she whispered and then pulled back.

He looked down at her.

“Feeling better?”

“Yes.”

“Will you attend or should I prepare Neelix?”

“I will. I have to.”

He frowned, not sure about the apathy her tone of voice betrayed.

“I’ll pick you up then, unless you are considering another date?”

Janeway smiled, that lopsided smile he could picture any time.

“Date, Commander?”

“Well, escort, then?”

“You may pick me up. I’d hate to go alone.”

“Twenty hundred hours, Christmas Eve?”

“Fine.”

She had decided not show up after all.

Neelix’ party had been the talk of the ship for two weeks now and she had really intended to be there. But having dressed in her usual party gown and having put on perfume and make-up accordingly – she just sat down on the foot of her bed and decided not to go.

No doubt her escort would be disappointed. He had been looking forward to this evening and she had truly thought the same. She had been in a good mood all day on the bridge which had no doubt rubbed off on him and the rest of the alpha shift..

‘Why this sudden change of heart, Katie?’ she asked herself. ‘Is it time for yet another night of self-pity and self accusations? Or did you simply decide to be selfish just because?’

She shrugged to herself.

The sound of her door chime startled her.

“Come in.”

Chakotay stepped in.

“Kathryn? Are you ready? I am sorry that I am a bit late.”

She sighed and rose from the bed.

“I am sorry too, Chakotay. I have … a headache and I have to ask you to go on without me.”

He frowned.

“You are all dressed and ready to leave and now suddenly you have a headache?” His tone of voice informed her that she didn’t fool him for a minute.

“Yes.”

“Forgive me, Kathryn, but I don’t believe you. You look lovely but for some reason you have developed another case of cold feet.”

She glared at him but he didn’t budge an inch.

“I have a headache and I just want you to express my apologies to Neelix.”

“I won’t do that. You promised to come; everyone is expecting you. The least you can do it show up for an hour grab a quick bite to eat. Then you can leave if you like.”

Kathryn put her hands on her hips and shot him a disapproving glance. Why was he contradicting her this stubbornly? He was almost always very receptive to her moods but evidently not this time.

“Fine. Fine! Have it your way”, she muttered between clenched teeth. “Let’s go on with it then.”

With those harsh words she grabbed her lace shawl and a small purse and swept past him out the door that obediently opened to let her out into the corridor.

It had been utter agony

She had greeted, smiled, patted shoulders – been the ever tactile and supporting captain and the emptiness inside her was beginning to take on enormous proportions.

A silent scream had threatened to escape her vocal cords for more than fifteen minutes now. If she didn’t get out of the holodeck with its overdone Christmas decorations, the smell of eggnog and strategically placed mistletoes, she would not be able to keep a straight face.

Janeway made her way through the crowd and luckily some latecomers from the gamma shift flooded the entrance and nobody saw her exit.

After roaming the empty corridors of Voyager for an hour she found herself standing outside the shuttle bay and without giving it much thought she entered. The shuttles were standing there, inactive until needed on the next away mission.

The Delta Flyer, Tom Paris’ pet project, was to her right.

She entered it and made her way to the pilot’s seat. Sitting here, alone in the dark, seemed making much more sense than joining in at the Christmas party.

Were they looking for her? Was anybody actually missing her?

Kicking herself mentally for indulging in such shameless self-pity, Janeway closed her eyes.

“Computer, put a privacy lock on my comm badge unless there is a red alert, authorisation Janeway Lambda Zero Five.”

“Acknowledged.”

She let her mind wander, her thoughts escaping her usual unyielding control.

He had been on her mind for so long now and she constantly kept shoving the thoughts about him further back. Three days ago he had held her head in his lap, stroked her hair and then hugged her so incredibly tenderly.

Oh, Chakotay, she thought wearily. It has been too long. I have not had anyone, touch me like that in such a long time. I have lived so secluded in that ivory tower of mine and I sure have done it well, haven’t I?

She rubbed her face and ran her fingers threw her strict hairdo, dishevelling it completely.

She was excruciatingly lonely and it was mostly her own doing. It was her choice to strand them in the Delta Quadrant, her choice to not let Chakotay close when they returned from New Earth and also her choice to go overboard with the Equinox incident.

She had driven him away, kept him dangling, pretty much, for too many years. He had been dancing with a starry eyed young ensign the last she saw before she left the Christmas party. Who could blame him? He had asked her out many times, to the holodeck, to the mess hall … and she had declined most of the times. On those few occasions she had accepted she had kept her distance. Oh, they were great friends. But that was all she allowed.

A sob escaped painfully from her dry throat. The fact that the entire ship was celebrating this old family oriented holiday only enhanced her sense of loss regarding this man. She had lost him many times and her carelessness and the way she stuck to protocol and Starfleet regulations echoed empty now. She didn’t understand how he could manage to reach her, to crawl under her skin over and over, no matter how she tried to keep their friendship on a professional level.

She had no idea how long she had been sitting there, eyes closed and fists clenched, alone in the Flyer. She was cold, shivering even.

The door hissed open without her noticing it, not until a gentle hand was put on her shoulder, squeezing it softly, did she react by jolting and almost falling out of the seat.

“Kathryn, sorry I scared you. It’s just me.”

Chakotay. Of course.

“How did you know I was here?” she asked hoarsely, staring at him.

He studied her mussed hair, her pale lips, the lipstick gone.

“The computer.”

“Ah.”

He moved closer and knelt next to her seat.

“How long have you been sitting here.”

“Don’t know. A while.”

“I missed you.”

She smiled and shook her head.

“You were dancing with Ensign ‘What’s Her Name’.”

“Mary. You’ve been here that long?”

He took one of her hands in his.

“You are freezing.” He rubbed her hand between his. “I think we better get you out of here.”

“No. I want to stay. I have some things to … sort out. I need to be here right now.”

She looked down on their hands and then pulled hers back.

“Okay,” he agreed. “Computer, increase temperature in the Delta Flyer four degrees Celsius.”

“Acknowledged.”

He moved a little and seemed to be quite comfortable sitting on the Flyer’s floor, his back against the bulkhead behind her chair.

“There,” he said calmly. “Sort it out. Talk.”

She frowned.

“You know very well that I meant to do that alone, Chakotay.”

He nodded.

“And you know that I can’t possibly let you spend Christmas Eve alone in a shuttle, away from everyone, when you are feeling like this. I know you, Kathryn. You can say that you are fine until you drop dead and you might even fool the Doctor. But not me.”

She was stunned.

“Commander …” Her voice a low, husky growl.

“Oh, come off it, Kathryn! We are off duty, both of us, don’t you dare pull rank on me.”

She clenched her jaws shut and turned her back to him. He was infuriating, hopeless and she … she loved him.

Knowing how she felt was one thing, admitting it without a doubt to herself was something completely different. She loved him. She loved her first officer with every cell in her body, with every breath she took.

Janeway inhaled audibly and slammed her fists in to the helm, forgetting it was not the smooth surface of regular Starfleet instruments, but full of silly Captain Proton gadgets. The pain in her hands from cutting herself on the little knobs made her gasp.

“What did you do now?” Chakotay exclaimed and rushed to her side. “You are bleeding.”

He pulled her with him, reaching for a medical kit at the same time. Pulling out a dermal regenerator he started to fix her cuts.

“Does it hurt very bad?” he asked when she said nothing behind thin lips.

She shook her head, feeling utterly stupid.

“Why did you hit the console?”

She hesitated.

“I was mad.”

“You mean mad – angry or mad – crazy?” Chakotay asked, smiling a little at her answer.

She looked sharply at him.

“Both, I think.”

“Are you still mad?”

“Yes.”

“And are you liable to strike me, do you think?” He was grinning openly now, teasing her.

She nodded solemnly. “Yes.”

“Well, one good thing is that you won’t cut your hands. At least as long as you don’t hit my comm badge or my rank insignia.”

Gritting her teeth, Janeway pulled her mended hand back, hiding it behind her back. He was such a tease and that was one of the reasons she loved him. The thoughts, the confession, returning to her treacherous heart made her take a quick step back.

Chakotay looked surprised and putting the medical kit away, he gave her several inquiring looks.

“I could offer you some hot cider in my quarters,” he said softly.

Her first thought was to decline, as usual, but an insistent little voice made her do the opposite.

“Alright, Chakotay. I think I would like that.”

She would have laughed at his dumbfounded face if she had not been so close to tears that she could in fact taste them. He had probably only been trying to be polite and now he had to entertain this gloomy captain for a unknown duration of time.

“It is okay,” Janeway smiled wryly. “I won’t hold you to it. You can just walk me to my quarters, I’ll be fine.”

He shook his head.

“No way, Kathryn. You accepted and I’m not letting you off the hook so easily.”

“Alright. Let’s go, then.”

“Just one thing”, Chakotay pointed out, smilingly. He reached for her head with both hands and smoothed down her hair carefully.

“We don’t want you to walk out of the shuttle bay looking all mussed together with me. The rumours would start all over again.”

She blushed furiously. He was soon due for an exit through an airlock.

It was obvious that he had not been prepared for company, Janeway thought with a crooked smile. He managed to free a little sitting space on the couch before replicating the mugs with hot cider.

“Sorry about the mess. I’m hopeless,” he admitted sheepishly.

“Don’t worry about it.”

He sat down next to her, closer than in her ready room the other day, and gave her the mug.

She sipped it carefully.

“It’s nice.”

Chakotay settled back and casually rested his hand on the back of the couch, behind her. His hand played gently with a lock of her still slightly dishevelled hair.

“You want music?” he asked.

“No, it’s fine,” she croaked. “After all that noise at the holodeck, the silence is soothing. I feel like such a killjoy. I am truly happy about how much the crew is enjoying Neelix’ version of Christmas … but …”

She took another sip of cider and then put the mug on her lap, wrapping her hands around it for heat and to stop shaking.

“You have a lot on your mind, Kathryn, haven’t you?” Chakotay prodded gently. “I am a good listener, you know.”

“I know,” she laughed with a hint of irony, or maybe it was sarcasm, in her voice. “You listen, you help, you care. You never assume, you never take. You let me set the pace, I take one step back, you take two, I let you in … you allow it, only to withdraw when I want you to. How is it you don’t hate me with everything you are, Chakotay? Why do you let us do this dance over and over … or have you stopped caring? Do you just humour the captain to keep her satisfied? Or is it easier to keep going through the motions instead of just yelling at me, shaking me upside down or even slapping me really, really hard?”

Tears were running down her colourless cheeks and she had to let go of the mug before she tossed it across the room. She carefully put it on the cluttered coffee table, next to a holoimage.

She froze.

Staring at the holoimage with huge, teary eyes, she reached for it in slow motion. The picture was taken a while back, how long ago she didn’t know. It wasn’t even a very good picture, it was a bit blurry and the two people supposed to be in focus weren’t. The focus had somehow been switched to the background, behind Tom Paris and B’Elanna Torres who were standing together at the helm on the bridge, laughing in to the holocamera.

The focus showed the command team behind them. Chakotay was looking down at the two in front of him with a smile and the captain, on his right, was looking at her first officer.

Looking at him with a wistful smile and all her emotions shining brightly in her eyes, beaming towards him, captured forever in this image.

Janeway tentatively activated the little film.

“Smile!” the Doctor, who was behind the lens said cheerfully. “Mr Paris, Lt Torres, come on now. This is a special day!”

The two lovers smiled dutifully and then laughed at the Doctor’s exasperated sigh.

After that the focus changed and the captain was captured looking at Chakotay like he was everything to her. When the little holovid of herself absentmindedly touched her lips while staring at him, Kathryn stopped and and just sat there, taken aback.

“Next to all the snapshots I took on New Earth, this is my favourite picture of you,” Chakotay said gently. “I have looked at it so many times. Whenever you have slammed on the command mask, pushed me back those steps you mentioned – even when you dance an occasional dance with me, only to let me go later, that holovid has been there to show me, to give me hope.”

“You still love me.”

He nodded.

“You know I do.”

“No, I don’t. I didn’t. I thought … you put up with me. I thought, I have began to think that you were just being kind to a middle aged woman lost in space. I … thought you were moving on, long ago.” She choked and he took her hand.

“Don’t, Kathryn. Don’t talk like that. Let me tell you what I see. I see a very tired and lonely woman who is afraid to lose someone close to her again. You have lost so much, it is blinding you to all you have gained. You have an entire ship full of family members that love and support you. You must know after all this time that your command of this ship is based only on trust. You enter a room and there is not one member of this crew that wouldn’t run in circles around themselves to prove their trust, affection and love for their captain. Myself included.”

He smiled and tipped her head back, wiping away the tears from her cheeks.

“The command weighs heavily on your shoulders and at times it gets to be unbearable, I know it, I can see it right away, when it happens. You get withdrawn, depressed and you cut everyone off. That is when you need me the most. As your First Officer, as your friend. And one day, when you accept our feelings, you will need me to hold you during the nights.”

Janeway shivered and tried to free herself. His arms tightened around her, he was not letting her go this easily.

“So, this isn’t pity?” she croaked.

“I have felt a wide range of emotions for you, but pity have never been one of them.”

She sighed.

“Thank you. You have no idea how that thought has haunted me, that you would be spending time with me out of pity. I don’t know where it came from. You have never really said anything for me to …”

He pulled her close, hugged her gently against his chest, rocking her.

“You are infuriating, stubborn, fiery, beautiful, compassionate, enigmatic, funny, strong … I could go on forever, Kathryn. I love you and I always will. You may have to keep the dance up, letting me close, pushing me away, but I will not change. One day you will be able to look at me like you do in the holovid and tell me that you love me. I know you will.”

Janeway could hardly trust her ears. He was not only telling her how he felt, just like that, up front but he was also so confident of her feelings, so trusting in her ability to finally confess loving him.

She had done very little to deserve such a man.

She pressed her lips against his throat. He went rigid and seemed to hold his breath.

“Kathryn?”

She let her tongue taste his smooth skin, very fresh, a little salty.

“Chakotay,” she murmured, “this day must be a good day after all. I was so afraid and I haven’t felt so lost in a long time, even compared to being stranded in this quadrant. But you have turned it all around. I love you.”

He wasn’t breathing. She counted the seconds and just when she was beginning to worry, having counted to fifty-eight, he exhaled loudly and then hugged her so hard he prevented her own breathing.

He released his grip a little and then, his mouth were there, feverishly on hers. Short, passionate kisses, given in haste, in frenzy, was followed by long, languorous ones, dreamily tasting her, probing her mouth like it was uncharted territory and in a way it was.

She kissed him back, followed him in this particular dance as he caressed her. He lifted her up on his lap and just held her, her head on his shoulder, his arms tightly around her waist.

“Who would have guessed?” Janeway sighed into his chest.

“Guessed what?”

“That I would learn to love … Christmas again.”

“Oh.”

“I really love … Christmas.”

“You do? You are getting very close to be in fact shaken upside down, darling.”

“Why shouldn’t I love Christmas? I got the best Christmas present ever.”

“No, you didn’t. I did.”

“You did? No, you only got a bitchy redhead who also has the audacity to be your commanding officer.”

He frowned and smiled at the same time, kissing her hair.

“What did you get then?” he asked, amused.

“I got a tall, dark and handsome first officer that has a mystical aura, talks to animal guides and knows how to love bitchy redheads.”

Chakotay laughed out loud.

“I have to admit you got the better deal,” he teased. “But anyway … Merry Christmas, Kathryn.”

She kissed his chin.

“Merry Christmas, Chakotay.”