Chasing Voices

© GB

Another terrible explosion rocked the ship and literally threw Captain Kathryn Janeway on to
the bridge from the door of her ready room. She staggered, trying to stay on her feet when
another explosion made her fall to her hands and knees.

"Report!" she barked grasping for her chair and pulling herself up glaring at the view screen.
Rays of light crossed the space between Voyager and their attackers.

"Three alien ships just de-cloaked around us, we had no readings of them prior to that",
Ensign Harry Kim shouted hanging on to his station, frantically tapping in commands.

"Mr Paris, evasive manoeuvres! Are our shields holding Mr Tuvok? Lock on to there engines
and weapons and fire at will. Were we even hailed?" Another blast from the alien's ships
shook Voyager, Janeway was again thrown to the floor but just as quickly climbed right back
up again.

"Shields at 68% and holding, Captain", the serene Vulcan stated. "None of them hailed us or
answers our attempts to communicate."

"So much for diplomacy." Janeway tapped her comm badge. "Commander Chakotay to the
bridge!"

"I'm already here." His voice came from behind her.

"Good of you to join us. Mr Tuvok, target their weapon arrays and fire at will. Commander,
status report!"

The Commander managed to reach his chair and checked his console. "Minor damages to
deck nine, ten and eleven. No casualties as of yet. B'Elanna, how are things in engineering?"

"We still have warp and phasers but a couple of more blasts like that and we won't be so
lucky", said the agitated chief of engineering over the comm link.

All of sudden there was a silence and the three ships stopped firing at Voyager. One second
they were there and the next they had re-cloaked and were out of sight and off sensors.

"What happened Mr Kim?" Janeway was up and standing, staring at the view screen.

"They re-cloaked and I managed to get a reading of their wharpsignature determined on them
before they did and they are not here now.

"Why did they launch a surprise attack on us like that only to disappear when it looked like
we had nowhere to go?" Janeway's question was met with initial silence.

"Well, they might be gone for now, but I want to be ready if they decide to come back. Mr
Kim, keep scanning for their wharp signature, Mr Paris plot a new course for that M class
planet we had our minds set on and then wharp six, please. Commander, my ready room.
Organise repair teams on the damaged decks, Mr Tuvok." Her voice, energetic and annoyed
made everybody jump to there tasks.
o – 0 – o



He found her hidden far inside a remote Jeffrey's tube. He could here her mumble as she
worked making repairs to important circuits that had eluded them all day. B'Elanna had sent
out three different ensigns to find the fault and they had all come up with nothing. Finally
Janeways patience with the constantly disappointing reports from engineering had made her
blow a fuse and go to fix it herself.

Commander Chakotay crawled further into the tube and turned left, guided by the noises she
made. She had been down several Jeffrey's tubes for the last five hours without taking a
single break and he was worried about her not eating either.

He saw lights up ahead and then her feet. A curse and a angry tapping foot gave her mood
away and he sighed with a tired smile. She wasn't happy, that meant she was far from
finished.

"Captain", he said as he was close to her.

His voice startled her and she banged her head when she quickly turned to look at him.

"Ouch … ", she rubbed her scalp and glared at him. "Unless you are bringing me coffee,
Commander, I am not interested in talking to you. What do you want? You could have paged
me." Her voice showed more than a little irritation for being interrupted.

"Captain, as you well know I tried paging you until an hour ago. You have been at it for more
than five hours. It is way passed your bedtime." His attempt to put it lightly failed miserably
and she waved one of her bigger tools at him.

"Don't even go there, Commander. I have to finish this, since my ensigns in engineering have
developed amnesia how to repair even the simplest circuits. Someone has to make sure this
ship can operate if our newest friends decide to return."

He shrugged and crawled closer. "True, but someone also has to see to that this ship's captain
is not exhausted from being too stubborn. We need you in full capacity should the vessels
come back and strike again." He almost felt like ducking when her blue, piercing eyes drilled
into his.

"Stubborn? Not in full capacity? Some alien decided to blast at my ship and you think I
should snuggle up in bed and just leave it be?" Her voice, tired but none the less vibrant and
edgy, showed only contempt for such reasoning. She began working on the circuit again.
"Dismissed, Commander. I'll see you in the morning."

"Captain, forgive me, but in a couple of hours it will be morning. Please join me in my
quarters and have a bite to eat, at least."

Janeway sighed and lowered her tool. "You are persistent, aren't you? I just want to get this
done … What are you doing? Commander!" she exclaimed in surprise when he all of a
sudden grabbed her around her waist with his left arm and started to drag her backwards with
him. Furiously she tried to free herself but even if she was strong for being such a small
woman, he was so much stronger. Not wanting to really wrestle her First Officer she relaxed
and let herself go limp.

"All right, all right! Stop dragging me, I'll come with you, for heaven's sake", she muttered
through gritted teeth. "But you are out of line, Commander."

He held his grip on her a little while longer. "I know. But you have to eat. You are reckless
with yourself sometimes, Captain."

She raised an eyebrow at his choice of words and started to crawl to the tube port. She exited
first and turned to glare at Chakotay as he landed on the floor in engineering.

"This is crazy, but okay, where is the food then?"

He laughed out loud and shook his head. "I have prepared a light evening meal in my
quarters. I thought you'd need to relax a bit, but I can bring it here if you like."

She shook her head. "No, since I am out of the darn tube, I might as well sit comfortably and
eat."

o – 0 – o

The food should have re-energised her but made her lethargic instead. Janeway yawned
behind her hand and tried to look sharp. Of course, nothing fooled her First Officer.

"Why don't you put your feet up on the couch while I make some coffee?" he asked.

"The magic word", she mumbled and followed him to the couch. She sat down in the corner
of it and put up her feet after taking her boots off. Her head was heavy and she rested it on a
cushion behind her.

Chakotay replicated coffee for her and tea for himself and when he sat down in the opposite
corner of the couch she drowsily opened her eyes and smiled at him. "You are incorrigible,
Chakotay, I think you knew that food at this hour would make me sleepy. Can I have my
coffee, please?" she asked and reached for it.

Chakotay flashed an enigmatic smile and gave her the steaming mug. "I confess. I know how
much you can eat when your starved and it always makes you sleepy. I figured I'd try to lure
you in here and then you would be less eager to get back to crawling."

She waved a finger at him. "This is close to conspiring, Chakotay."

He nodded. He put down his mug after sipping the hot liquid and then took one of her aching
feet in his strong, warm hands. He pulled of her high heel boot and gently massaged it, went
over every bone, every muscle with those magic hands he had first demonstrated on New
Earth.

"Oh", she sighed and tipped her head, "it is heavenly. Don't stop."

He didn't, he massaged her for several minutes and then started to work his way up her calf
where sore muscles screamed for attention. He pulled off the other boot too and altering
between feet and calves, almost send her off to sleep. Then he moved in a little closer and
started to work on her right knee and the part of her thigh just above it.

Janeways eyes opened quickly in surprise, her cheeks suddenly flushed. She searched his eyes
and tensed up a little, but his hands were not caressing, only massaging aching, stiff muscles
in her leg.

"Relax, Kathryn", he said quietly. "Trust me."

She did, she trusted him more than anyone she knew, past or presence. He argued with her,
tried to bully her into eating, sleeping, relaxing – but he was a fine First Officer, a wonderful
friend and … her thoughts trailed off from the forbidden subject of what else he were to her.
She knew he cared about her. On New Earth there had been sparkles in the air and although
Protocol had them in its grip on Voyager, there were times when the tension between them
could almost be touched. She could be sitting in her captain's chair on the bridge and happen
to glance at him and he'd be glancing back at her at the same time, catching her, making her
almost blush.

His hands were high up on her right thigh now, too high for a friendly massage, but it was so
nice, she felt so well taken care off. Then he took her left leg in his lap and treated it the same
wonderful way.

"Do you want to go to sleep, Kathryn?" Chakotay asked in a low voice.

"Yes, but I can't move. Someone did something funny to my legs. May I stay on your
couch?" she asked closing her eyes.

"We can do better than that", he said and got up. Before she realised what he meant he
grabbed her and lifted her up into his arms and carried her into the bedroom. She rested her
head on his shoulder, her eyelids heavy. His scent was intoxicating, aromatic. How could he
lift her like she weighed nothing? He put her down on his bed and pulled an Native American-
made blanket over her.

"I still have some reports to file, you rest here. If you are sound asleep later, I'll take the
couch." He bent over her and kissed her on the forehead before she knew it. The boldness of it
made her gasp a little but he just smiled. "Rest well, Kathryn", he said and went out to the
living room.

o – 0 – o

"Bridge to Janeway."

"Janeway here. Go ahead Mr Tuvok."

"Five enemy ships are approaching us, Captain. They are not responding to hail."

"On my way. Janeway out."

Janeway stumbled to her feet, trying to get her bearings as the bedroom was not her own.
"Computer! Lights on fifty percent." Ah, yes, she was in Chakotay's bedroom but where was
he?

A calm voice from the bedroom door answered that one. "Here, your jacket and boots." He
handed them to her. She dressed quickly without looking at him and they both exited his
quarters, running.

As they entered the bridge Tuvok raised an eyebrow at them. He had no way of knowing that
he'd awoken her in Chakotay's bed, still she blushed a little.

"On screen", she ordered firmly, firmly focusing as usual. "Let's see if we recognise some of
our friends from yesterday."

Five ships in formation appeared on the screen. They were keeping a certain distance.

"They are firing up their weapons, Captain", Tuvok said.

"It is the ones from yesterday along with two similar ships", Harry added.

"Hail them."

"They are not responding, Captain."

"Open a channel anyway." She leaned forward on the rail beside Tom Paris. "This is Captain
Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. Stand down your weapons or we will fire."

No answer and a smaller explosion rocked Voyager.

"Target their weapons and fire at will, Mr Tuvok. Evasive manoeuvre Gamma Red, Mr Paris.
" Her voice was both calm and energetic.

Tuvok did and several rays of light pierced through space, hitting the ships as Voyager
managed to avoid their blasts through Toms piloting skills at using the slender ships
manoeuvrability.

"Their shields are weakened but holding, Captain", he said. "They are hailing us."

"On screen."

The view screen lit up and they saw a greyish, almost silver man, humanoid. He seemed tall
and skinny, with long, grey hair.

"You have invaded our borders, the penalty for that is elimination", he stated matter of fact.
"This is a serious violation."

"I am Captain Janeway of the … " Janeway was interrupted.

"Who you are means nothing. You are to be eliminated."

His words were followed by a white light and Voyager were shaking from their constant
blasts. Janeway never took her eyes of the view screen and stubbornly rose to her feet.

"Fire, Mr Tuvok. Give them all we've got!"

"Alien vessel", she hissed at the view screen. "I am Captain Janeway of the Federation
Starship Voyager and I assure you that it means something. I am not about to let you blast us
out of space without a fight, nor do I care much for your insults." She quickly glanced at
Chakotay. "Break the link", she barked. "Keep firing and get us out of here. Mr Paris, use
whatever Captain Proton you need – just do it!"

"Aye, Captain!" Tom Paris' hands flew across the conn and Voyager rolled, turned in
virtually impossible patterns before he found an opening and could jump to wharp. "We are at
wharp four, Captain", he gasped. "What course do you want me to set?"
"We don't want to run into that crowd again so we better forget about that M-class planet.
Plot a course for the Alpha Quadrant, wharp nine. We will no doubt find something else to fill
our cargo bays with. Keep our sensors busy, Mr Kim, we want to know if they are following
us, you have their signatures by now. You have the bridge, Commander." She stepped into her
ready room. She had intended to sit behind her desk but halted at one of the view ports and
remained there, staring into space, her mind wandering.

The violence of this sector. It never ceased to amaze her how different species insisted on
firing before asking on so many occasions. So protective, so suspicious. She shook her head,
glad and relieved that Tom Paris' skills as a pilot had once again removed them from
immediate danger. She tapped her comm badge. "Mr Kim. Are they following us?"

"Negative. Nothing can be detected on long range scanners."

"Good. Notify me immediately if there are any changes. Janeway out."

Silence filled her. She sat down at her desk and put her face in her hands. This had been an
unusual twenty-four hours. Not that they had been attacked – that was happening on and off –
but the feelings that had been stirred.
Chakotay's hands on her feet, on her legs. His kiss on her forehead. That was unnerving,
disturbing, threatening even. She knew he cared about her, that he had for some time. She
seldom allowed herself to think about the time on New Earth. If she did, she'd only end up
brooding about why she had almost been disappointed when Tuvok's hail had reached them.
They had stared at each other in a mix of disbelief, joy and … disappointment. Wanting to go
back, to be with their crew, their friends but also realising that being together in that carefree
way they'd been for weeks was never going to be.

She sighed and rubbed her forehead. Protocol. She hated that word sometimes.

The door chime went off.

"Enter."

Chakotay stepped inside and up to her desk.

"Are you okay, Captain?" he asked.

Her eyes narrowed and she wondered why he would ask that.

"You are pale and you seem out of breath", he explained, reading her mind again.

"I am fine, Commander. Take a seat. We better work something out to be prepared in case
'what's his name' appears again. We might be able to outrun them with our current speed, but
better safe than sorry." Before realising it she rubbed her forehead again and sighed.

He nodded. "Good idea, do you have anything special in mind? Should I arrange a senior staff
conference?"

"Yes, do that. Use my desk, Commander. I have things to see to. I'll see you in the conference
room in one hour."

With that she rose and headed for the door.
"Captain", he said and she halted. "Are you running away from me?"

Janeway spun around and stared at him. "The only one I am running from is that no good
excuse for an alien who dared to say I was nothing! Care to clarify, Commander?"

The Janeway Death Glare. He knew it well by now. He apologetically raised his palms in the
air. "No, Captain, I stand corrected", he smiled softly. "I apologise."

She nodded barely noticeable and was out the door. He was almost ashamed to feel so
relieved.

-o-0-o-

The conference room was empty except for the Captain who remained in her chair. She had
dismissed them after two fruitful hours where they had discussed tactical plans as well as
Seven's new set of adjustments to the shield harmonics settings that could be very useful
when the ships would catch up with them again.
The alien vessels had been relentless for two weeks now. Attacking, causing some damage,
withdrawing, attacking again, sometimes within hours, sometimes there could go as much as
two days between attacks.
It was unnerving, tearing at her in a way she hadn't discussed with anybody. She wasn't
sleeping properly, tossing and turning and if she slept, dreams of their elusive attackers would
haunt her, make her wake up breathless and afraid. There was also the other dream, the secret,
forbidden dream. She got chilled to the bone just thinking about it.

Janeway sighed and let her head fall onto her folded arms on the table. Her head ached and
she didn't have enough energy to even get to the replicator for coffee. She was feeling so
uneasy about this last attack. Why did these aliens first attack them, only to withdraw when
they already had the upper hand, only to return with even more ships, launching new half-
hearted attacks?
Voyager's scans had shown them to have a extensive weapon's system. They could have kept
at it and disabled Voyager during their first attack if they had been prepared to …
Her thoughts came to a stop only to speed up again, causing her aching head even more
agony.
They were obviously not prepared to risk anything with their own ships and their crews. Odd.
She tried to focus on it, brooded on possible explanations. Religious, tactical, traditions …
She groaned and rubbed her forehead. To her surprise and dismay tears rose in her eyes.
Now how could she cross the bridge and go to her ready room? She stood up and walked up
to a view port. The stars were making long, silvery white lines outside, suggesting their wharp
speed.

Her shoulders started shaking no matter how she tried to control herself. "Stop it!" she
whispered fiercely to herself. "Stop it, this instant."

"Captain?"

Of course. In her unusual moment of weakness, he had to be there. 'Is there no end to this
humiliation?' she thought wearily.

She kept her back at him and she couldn't even dry her tears, that would be a dead give away.
She cleared her throat huskily.

"Kathryn? Are you okay?" he asked as he approached her cautiously.

"I'm fine", she managed, coughing a little to mask her trembling voice.

He came up behind her.

"Well, you don't sound fine."

"Commander, I assure you …"

"Forgive me, Kathryn, but you are crying. You are not – fine."

She held her breath and the second she felt his big, warm hands on her shoulders her knees
gave in a little and she staggered to the side. He tightened his grip and pulled her back to his
chest. He made no further movement except softly rubbing her shoulders, as to let her know
she wasn't going to fall.

"What is it?" he asked.

"I don't know", she said, hating the traitorous sob that broke free. "I really don't. I feel …
empty. And scared. And as Captain, that is not a good thing. The scary part is one thing, but
the empty, confused is not. I hate feeling like that …" Her voice trailed off and she buried her
face in her hands, crying openly now.

"Shh …" He whispered and only now did he slowly turn her around in his arms, pulling her
head against his shoulder, his hand in her shoulder length auburn hair. "Don't speak, just let it
all out. You don't have to be strong all the time. That is what you have me here for. To let me
ease your burden."

Those words, taking her instantly back to that evening on New Earth, was the deathblow to
her knees. They folded neatly beneath her and she whimpered into his shoulder. "Oh no", she
moaned. "Oh please, no …"

He had caught her and was now supporting her entire weight, holding her petit body against
his. His body was warm and comforting, his lips on her hair. "Kathryn, I am sorry. What did I
say?" His voice; so close to hear ears, full of concern.

She couldn't even speak, her tears were choking her up, almost making it hard to breath.

"Just hold on to me", he whispered. "Computer, secure door lock, authorisation Chakotay
Beta Five Eight."
The computer confirmed and then all that broke the silence of the room was her ragged
breathing and soft sobs followed by his comforting whispers. She trembled in his arms and
when her legs showed no sign of regaining their strength, he lifted her up and carried her to
the couch. He kept her close sitting down, let her hide her tearstained face against his chest.

She had no idea how long it took for her to calm down. She listened to his breathing, a serene,
calming sound, so soothing to her racing mind. His special scent, so familiar, so attractive.
She could have sat there forever, hiding, but reluctantly rose and clenched her fists a little,
facing him head on.

"I see you are feeling better", he smiled gently. "Captain Janeway is on her way back."

"What are you talking about?" she asked, her forehead furrowed. She didn't like him to talk in
riddles. His taste for metaphors could really be annoying.

"The scared, trembling woman seeking comfort in my arms are tucked away somewhere right
now. Captain Janeway is in command."

She just looked at him. He know here too well, that must be it. She doubted anyone else
would have been able to distinguish between her two major roles in life as easily as he did.

"I will win over this enemy, Chakotay", she hissed, her eyes all fire.

He nodded. "I never doubted that for a second", he agreed. "But I think you did."

"What do you mean?"

"Isn't that partly why you were so upset? You doubted that you would be able to figure them
out, find their weaknesses and use them against them?"

She shrugged. "Yes, maybe."

"But there is more. You were not just scared of them. We have encountered scarier creatures
in this quadrant. It was something else that really terrifies you. Something that made you
forget everything and let me hold you. How often has that happened? I got to hold you a little
two weeks ago and then again today. That is more than I could have hoped for in a year
during normal circumstances."

What did he mean? Hoped for? Her heart raced again and her cheeks burned. She tried to
keep her command mode, her composure.

"Since you seem to have such an insight in my personal feelings, Commander, you tell me."
He smiled at her tone of voice and her formality.

"No, I don't know, since I don't even think you know yourself. But you know I am here if
you need me. I care so much for you, Kathryn, you know that."

She did know that. It was what held her up on some nights when she suffered from insomnia
and kept pacing her quarters with a mug of coffee in her trembling hands. She also knew it
when they were enjoying the holodeck together, sharing the fun and laughing like children
together.

"I know, Chakotay", she said softly. "And you are right. There is something in this situation
that has thrown me. I am not sure what, exactly, but it is getting to me. You know how I feel
about not being in control."

He nodded again. "Yes, I do. Like a catastrophe waiting to happen. In what ways has it
thrown you? How does it manifest itself?"

She hesitated then rubbed her forehead and slumped back on the couch. Her face was pale and
she shivered just enough for him to notice. "Some nights I can't sleep and if I do, I have
nightmares. I wake up all sweaty and shaking, sometimes screaming."

He frowned and took her hands in his, feeling how cold and unsteady they were.

"What are the dreams about, Kathryn?" he asked.

"Not about the aliens, strangely enough. I am out in the snow, trying to find something,
someone … and I hear voiced, familiar voices. My family back home, the senior staff, your
voice, Neelix' voice. But I can't find anybody! I struggle in the snow, I keep slipping and
falling and still none of you are there, although I can hear all the voices …" She was crying
again, her tears quietly running down her cheeks and she didn't even know.

Chakotay leaned closer to her and stroke them away and pulled her closer. "I am here now,
darling. I am here now." And with those incredible words he pulled her even closer, tipped
her head back with a gentle hand under her chin and kissed her. A soft, non-intrusive kiss that
showed such tenderness.
Kathryn froze and could just look at him. "Chakotay …?" He kissed her again, a little longer
with more passion this time. His hands were on her back, caressing her and his mouth … Oh,
his wonderful mouth was tasting hers, urging her to part her lips and when she did, he entered
her mouth with an eager tongue.
Kathryn moaned into him, all thoughts gone now except those occupied with him
kissing her. She answered his kiss feverishly, grabbing for his shoulders trying to pull him
even closer.
She was so lost in his arms she thought she would never resurface again.

He was the one to gently pull back. "We have to stop now, while I … while we can."

She was not quite there yet. She was still leaning on him, clinging to him. "Oh …" She
blushed deeply and pulled back. His hands prevented her from standing up, though.

"I won't offer you a hypocritical apology", he stated calmly.

"I don't want one", she answered. "Hypocritical or otherwise."

"Good."

"Will you promise me something?"

"Always."

She smiled a little at that. How many times had he said that during their years in the Delta
quadrant?

"If you ever see me in a situation similar to this one, no witnesses, all distraught, needing a
shoulder … would you kiss me again? Would you?"

Surprise was written all over his tanned features. "Kiss you again? I was sure you were going
to threaten me with close proximity to the nearest airlock if I ever did this again." He was
smiling broadly now.

She smiled back and then a soft chuckle could be heard from her throat. His eyes seemed to
lock on to the white skin of her soft neck and he pulled her close so suddenly she stopped
laughing right there.

"I don't know what makes me react like this sometimes", she whispered with her arms around
his neck. "It isn't the first time I panic and I hate it. It happened in the Void the first time and
it has happened several times since then. Manifesting itself differently, but still it originates
from the same panicky feelings. It is like guilt, fear, depression and the Gods know what – all
into one. It scares me, Chakotay."

He held her, kissing her hair, breathing in her scent of vanilla and flowers.

"I know, Kathryn, I know. You are the strongest person I know and it stands to reason that
when you have your weak moments, they are as dominant as your strongest ones. But from now
on you won't have to wake up screaming and then deal with it alone. I
can be there in a flash, you know. Just page me."

"Or you could be there in a even shorter flash, if you are already there."

He was stunned. Again. "Already there, Kathryn?"

"Yes."

"You want me to move in?"

"Not if you don't want to."

"But …"

"Speechless, Commander?"

"Very."

And so was she when he again captured her lips and made it perfectly clear that the prospect
of moving in with her met no resistance at all.


Epilogue

She screamed, a scream muffled by her pillow and then sat up in bed, soaked in sweat and
with tears running freely down her cheeks. She was there again, in the snow, searching …

"Kathryn, I am here. It was the dream again. Just the dream. You know?"

She clung to him, he was safety, he was warmth, he was … hers. "You were gone, Chakotay,
you were gone … again …" Sobbing silently she buried her face against his neck. He held her
and comforted her like he did three nights ago when the dream had tormented her again. It
was not as bad as it had been while they still were under attack, but they were almost as
frequent.

The aliens had not attacked Voyager for over a month now. They didn't know why the attacks
had started or why they had stopped, because any attempts to hail the alien vessels had been
met with total silence. No serious damage had been done to the ship or its crew. They would
probably never know anything more about the whole chain of events.

Chakotay was by her side every night. Either working at her desk and then joining her in bed
long after she had fallen asleep or going to bed at the same time, holding her while they talked
about private things. They had not made love – yet. It was something that need not be rushed.
It would no doubt happen as their kissing and touching could get very passionate, but both of
them sensed the importance of not forcing it. There was plenty of time.